To alleviate feelings of self-pity, you have to change your pitiful behavior and forbid yourself from indulging in them.
Instead of pitying ourselves for what we lost, we should feel grateful for what we had. When you notice self-pity creeping into your life, make a conscious effort to do something contrary to how you feel.
You don’t have to do something big to ward off feelings of self-pity. Sometimes, small behavioral changes can make a big difference. Here are some examples:
Breaking Free from Self-Pity: Examples..
• Volunteer to help a worthy cause. It will take your mind off your problems and you can feel good that you have helped someone else. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you are serving hungry people or spending time with elderly residents in a nursing home.
• Perform a random act of kindness. Doing a good deed can help bring more meaning to your day.
• Do something active. Physical or mental activity will help you focus on something other than your misfortune. Exercise, sign up for a class, read a book, or learn something new, and your behavior change can help shift your attitude.
The key to changing your feelings is finding which behaviors will extinguish your feelings of self-pity.
Sometimes it’s a process of trial and error because the same behavioral change won’t work for everyone. If what you are doing now isn’t working, try something new. If you never take a step in the right direction, you will stay right where you are.
REPLACE THOUGHTS THAT ENCOURAGE SELF-PITY
I once witnessed a fender bender in a grocery store parking lot. Two cars were backing up at the same time and their rear bumpers collided. The collision appeared to cause only minor damage to each vehicle. I watched as one driver jumped out of his vehicle and said, “Just what I needed. Why do these things always happen to me? As if I didn’t already have enough to deal with today!” Meanwhile, the other driver stepped out of his vehicle shaking his head.
In a very calm voice he said, “Wow, we’re so lucky that no one got hurt. What a great day it is when you can get into an accident and walk away from it without a single injury.” Both men experienced the exact same event. However, their perception of the event was completely different.
One man viewed himself as a victim of horrible circumstance while the other man viewed the event as good fortune. Their reaction was all about their differences in perception.
You can view the events that happen in your life in many different ways. If you choose to view circumstances in a way that says, “I deserve better,” you’ll feel self-pity often.
If you choose to look for the silver lining, even in a bad situation, you’ll experience joy and happiness much more often. Almost every situation has a silver lining.
Ask any kid what the best part about having divorced parents is and most of them will say, “I get more presents at Christmas!” Obviously, there isn’t much good that arises from divorce, but getting twice as many presents is one small aspect of divorce that some kids rather enjoy.
Reframing the way you look at a situation isn’t always easy, especially when you’re feeling like the host of your own pity party. Asking yourself the following questions can help change your negative thoughts into more realistic thoughts:
• What’s another way I could view my situation? This is where the “glass half empty or glass half full” thinking comes in. If you’re looking at it from the glass-half-empty angle, take a moment to think about how someone looking from a glass-half-full perspective might view the same situation.
• What advice would I give to a loved one who had this problem? Often, we’re better at handing out words of encouragement to other people rather than to ourselves. It’s unlikely you’d say to someone else, “You’ve got the worst life ever. Nothing ever goes right.” Instead, you’d hopefully offer some kind words of assistance such as, “You’ll figure out what to do, and you’ll make it through this. I know you will.” Take your own words of wisdom and apply them to your situation.
• What evidence do I have that I can get through this? Feeling sorry for ourselves often stems from a lack of confidence in our ability to handle problems. We tend to think that we’ll never get through something.
Remind yourself of times when you’ve solved problems and coped with tragedy in the past.
Reviewing your skills, support systems, and past experiences can give you an extra boost of confidence that will help you stop feeling sorry for yourself.
The more you indulge in thoughts that willfully delude yourself about your situation, the worse you’ll feel.
Common thoughts that lead to feelings of self-pity:
• I can’t handle one more problem.
• Good things always happen to everyone else.
• Bad things always happen to me.
• My life just gets worse all the time.
• No one else has to deal with this stuff.
• I just can’t catch a break. You can choose to catch your negative thoughts before they spiral out of control. Though replacing overly negative thoughts with more realistic ones takes practice and hard work, it’s very effective in decreasing feelings of self-pity.
If you think, Bad things always happen to me, create a list of good things that have happened to you as well.
Then, replace your original thought with something more realistic like, some bad things happen to me, but plenty of good things happen to me as well. This doesn’t mean you should turn something negative into an unrealistically positive affirmation. Instead, strive to find a realistic way to look at your situation.
EXCHANGE SELF-PITY FOR GRATITUDE
Marla Runyan is a very accomplished woman. She has a master’s degree, she’s written a book, and she’s competed in the Olympics. She even became the first American woman to finish the 2002 New York Marathon with an astounding time of 2 hours, 27 minutes.
What makes Marla particularly extraordinary is that she’s accomplished all these feats despite the fact that she’s legally blind.
At age nine, Marla was diagnosed with Stargardt’s disease, a form of macular degeneration that affects children.
As her vision deteriorated, Marla discovered her love for running. Over the years, Marla has proved herself to be one of the fastest runners in the world, even though she’s never actually been able to see the finish line. Initially, Marla became an accomplished athlete in the Paralympics. She competed in 1992 and then again in 1996. Not only did she earn a total of five gold medals and one silver medal, she also set several world records. But Marla didn’t stop there. In 1999, she entered the Pan American Games and she won the 1,500-meter race.
In 2000, she became the first legally blind athlete to ever compete in the Olympics. She was the first American to cross the finish line in the 1,500-meter race and she placed eighth overall. Marla doesn’t see her blindness as a disability.
In fact, she chooses to view it as a gift that allows her to become successful in both long-and short-distance races.
In discussing her blindness in her book, No Finish Line: My Life as I See It, Marla writes, “It not only has forced me to prove my competence but also pushed me to achieve. It has given me gifts, such as will and commitment that I use every day.” Marla doesn’t focus on what her vision loss took from her. Instead, she chooses to feel grateful for what her vision impairment actually gave her.
While feeling sorry for yourself is about thinking I deserve better, gratitude is about thinking I have more than I deserve. Experiencing gratitude requires some extra effort, but it isn’t hard.
Anyone can learn to become more grateful by developing new habits. Start to acknowledge other people’s kindness and generosity. Affirm the good in the world and you will begin to appreciate what you have.
You don’t have to be rich, wildly successful, or have the perfect life to feel grateful. A person who earns $35,000 a year may think he doesn’t have much money but he is actually among the richest 1 percent of people in the world.
If you’re reading this post, it means you’re more fortunate than the nearly one billion people in the world who can’t read, many of whom will be stuck in a life of poverty.
Look for those little things in life that you can so easily take for granted and work toward increasing your feelings of gratitude. Here are a few simple habits that can help you focus on what you have to be grateful for:
• Keep a gratitude journal. Each day write down at least one thing you’re grateful for. It could include being grateful for simple pleasures, like having clean air to breathe or seeing the sun shine, or major blessings like your job or family.
• Say what you’re grateful for. If you aren’t likely to keep up with writing in a journal, make it a habit to say what you’re grateful for. Find one of life’s gifts to be grateful for each morning when you wake up and each night before you go to sleep. Say the words out loud, even if it’s just to yourself, because hearing the words of gratitude will increase your feelings of gratitude.
• Change the channel when you’re experiencing self-pity. When you notice that you’re starting to feel sorry for yourself, shift your focus. Don’t allow yourself to continue thinking that life isn’t fair or that life should be different. Instead, sit down and list the people, circumstances, and experiences in life that you can be thankful for. If you keep a journal, refer to it and read it whenever self-pity begins to set in.
• Ask others what they’re grateful for. Strike up conversations about gratitude to help you discover what other people feel thankful for. Hearing what others feel grateful for can remind you of more areas of your life that deserve gratitude.
• Teach kids to be grateful. If you’re a parent, teaching your children to be grateful for what they have is one of the best ways to keep your own attitude in check.
Make it a habit each day to ask your children what they’re grateful for. Have everyone in the family write down what they’re feeling grateful for and place it in a gratitude jar or hang it on a bulletin board.
This will give your family a fun reminder to incorporate gratitude into your daily lives.
GIVING UP SELF-PITY WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER
Jeremiah Denton served as a U.S. naval aviator during the Vietnam War.
In 1965, his plane was shot down and he was forced to eject from his aircraft. He was captured by the North Vietnamese and was taken as a prisoner of war.
Commander Denton and the other officers maintained command over their fellow prisoners even as they were beaten, starved, and tortured on a daily basis.
Commander Denton was often placed in solitary confinement for urging other prisoners to resist the North Vietnamese attempts to gain information from them.
But that didn’t stop Commander Denton. He devised strategies to communicate with the other prisoners by using signs, tapping on walls, and coughing in sequence.
Ten months after his capture, he was chosen to participate in a televised interview that was used as propaganda. While answering questions, he pretended as though the bright lights from the cameras were bothering his eyes as he began blinking T-O-R-T-U-R-E in Morse code to secretly send the message that he and his fellow prisoners were being mistreated by their captors.
Throughout the interview, he continued to express his support for the U.S. government. He was released in 1973 after seven years in captivity. When he stepped off the plane as a free man, he said, “We are honored to have had the opportunity to serve our country under difficult circumstances.
We are profoundly grateful to our commander in chief and to our nation for this day. God bless America.” After retiring from the military in 1977, he was elected to serve as senator for Alabama.
Despite being placed in the worst circumstances imaginable, Jeremiah Denton didn’t waste time feeling sorry for himself. Instead, he maintained his composure and focused on doing whatever he could to manage the situation.
Even when he was released, he chose to feel grateful that he was able to serve his country, rather than pity himself for the time he’d lost. Researchers studied the differences that occur when people focus on their burdens versus focusing on what they’re grateful for.
Simply acknowledging a few things you feel grateful for each day is a powerful way to create change. In fact, gratitude not only impacts your psychological health, it can also affect your physical health. A 2003 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found:
• People who feel gratitude don’t get sick as often as others. They have better immune systems and report fewer aches and pains. They have lower blood pressure and they exercise more often than the general population. They take better care of their health, sleep longer, and even report feeling more refreshed upon waking.
• Gratitude leads to more positive emotions. People who feel grateful experience more happiness, joy, and pleasure on a daily basis. They even feel more awake and energetic.
• Gratitude improves social lives. Grateful people are more willing to forgive others. They behave in a more outgoing fashion and feel less lonely and isolated. They are also more likely to help other people and to behave in a generous and compassionate manner.
TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
If you allow self-pity to take hold when you’re dealing with stress, you’ll put off working on a solution. Watch out for red flags that you’re allowing yourself to feel self-pity and take a proactive approach to change your attitude at the first sign of feeling sorry for yourself.
